Self Confidence Issues

My self confidence is a real blow to any task that I do in life. I personally feel like I am pretty much naff at everything that I come across, particularly in my art work. It takes me a long time to accept what I have been doing as it is, like a "whatever will be, will be" phase of mind, though out of every rough patch I go through with my confidence, I somehow come out learning something new about myself and my ideals/aspirations at the end of it all. It's like I see myself coming out of the dark and into the light, bit by bit. Seems kind of poetic, but that's the only way I can really explain it.

I've been watching this series recently called 'Show me the Monet', which is practically a 'Dragon's Den' style show which artist's from around the UK come and show their work to a small panel of 3 critics, who will decide based on three criteria whether or not their work will show in the exhibition at the Royal College of Art. The three criteria are:

1. Originality,

2. Emotional captivity &

3. Technique.

There are some really fantastic pieces that get brought to panel, but some don't make it through due to this strict criteria they have set. The pieces of artwork don't necessarily have to be contemporary or traditional, but have to show complete originality, have to give a strong emotional captivation and the technique must be of a good quality. Now I know I have a massive problem with comparing myself to others - this is where most of my confidence issues derive from - but there is a lot of work that I know I would not stand a chance against or I wish I could have a similar style to, because I look at the work I am doing now and basically think it is a load of rubbish. I just know for a fact I would not be able to make a living as an artist for a career.

On the other hand, I feel sometimes that by comparing myself to others I am becoming far more open minded, slightly more determined, and more importantly inspired by different techniques/practices that I may be able to weave into my own style of working.

To be honest, I think I will need to put up some of my work on this here blog for you readers to judge (wherever you are, if you are there!). Please keep in mind that I am pretty much an amateur and I have a lot of developing to do. I may be going through education but I know I can do better than what I am doing now. I really know it.

But despite all of this -- why do I still feel like this is almost the wrong direction for me? Although I am going into an area which I absolutely adore, I wonder whether I will truly find how I can create a lot of potential for myself in whatever work I find in the future. I don't think I will ever become a professional artist, though this will never stop me from getting out the paintbrush and inks once in a while. I think I feel I want to be a critic or an art therapist or something more business orientated. Despite what I feel are my 'flaws', I think I have quite a strong head when it comes to being extremely dedicated and hard working, and I think I have a good eye for some things involved in art that a lot of people don't have, like finding hidden meanings behind pieces, or linking the artist's life with their work and how it reflects their technique/style etc.

I just feel lost sometimes. When I get compliments they mean the absolute world to me, as I feel like I appreciate them more, but deep down there are always two sides to how I feel about my work, which is something I've never come to terms with before. Maybe this is what it feels like to come into one's own at this stage in my life.

It's just, sometimes I think I need a reason to carry on, a really good reason that I haven't found out yet.

Needed to get that off my chest a little. It weighs me down all the time. There's always more to add too. Emma.